Reflecting on Miracles

34 weeks pregnant with twin boys (they were born 3 1/2 weeks later)

This picture brings tears to my eyes it reminds me that great things are worth waiting for, that miracles really do happen and fills me with gratitude to know I got to witness something truly miraculous!

Five years ago today my life changed forever and the biggest miracle of my life occurred and as long as I live I'll never ever forget it.  I woke up early and got ready for work, I knelt in prayer for a very long time I remember asking for the strength I would need whatever the results happened to be and the ability to accept whatever we found out at the end of that day. I remember feeling terrified but that somehow everything would be okay. I drove to the Fertility Clinic to get my blood drawn. I was used to getting my blood taken it didn't phase me at that point but that day was particularly important because the results would tell us if the last month of going through daily injections, taking medications, blood tests, ultrasounds, an egg retrieval and embryo transfer then waiting and waiting had worked and if we were finally pregnant. Two weeks before we had just completed our first cycle of IVF. The nurses and staff were all very optimistic and told me they couldn't wait to hear the news as I left the office. I remained skeptical I had been disappointed month after month for 30 months straight I just couldn't get my hopes up now I had to prepare myself as much as I could for the possibility I was not meant to be a mother. After I got my blood drawn I drove to work at the chapel. I had just taken over as the manager of the floral department. I remember turning off my phone I did not want to know anything until I left work that day and I thought it would help me be less distracted-yeah right! I tried to work but my mind and heart really were not into creating wedding bouquets and assembling boutonnieres.  I remember the day going by very slowly.

I thought back on everything we had been through starting back in January 2007 when we first decided to start our family. I was so naive then, making plans on how I would tell my family and looking at baby clothes hoping it would be the month I'd get a positive pregnancy test. Each month came and after a while I stopped looking at baby clothes and looking up ways to tell your husband you are going to have a baby.  We saw one doctor in Utah who brushed our fears aside they tested Ty  and told us we were fine to not come back until after 12 months of TTC. I felt then it was not enough something in my gut told me something wasn't right we shrugged it off remembering what the doctor had just told us.  It wouldn't be until we moved to Las Vegas later that year  that I sought another doctor out. This doctor seemed helpful at first he discovered an ovarian cyst that continued to get larger and larger. I was given drugs to shrink for a couple months but it didn't do any good and in April 2008 I had a laproscopic surgery. He told me after the surgery I would be able to go on clomid that would increase my chances of getting pregnant. At my follow up visit I was shown pictures of my insides I remember that appointment very vividly it was the day my life and my dreams of becoming a mother fell apart and I felt completely hopeless. The doctor said something about lots of scar tissue and how it would be very difficult to get pregnant then he said "You have Endometriosis" I couldn't move my body it felt paralyzed  in my head I heard "No no I can't have that I know people who have that but not me please no! I'm 28 how can I have this? people who have this get diagnosed way younger" I remember running to my car barely being able to keep it together. I sobbed and sobbed in my car for what felt like hours before I felt in control enough to drive home. Eventually the doctor put me on clomid and for six months we were hopeful the scar tissue was gone and the doctor felt confident the clomid would help.  In February 2009 I learned one of my co workers was pregnant and I sought her out knowing she had been trying for about 18 months. She gave me the name of her doctor at a Fertility clinic and that became my quest for the next couple months researching and visiting fertility clinics. The third clinic we visited in April 2009 turned out to be the one I felt we were in good hands and felt peaceful about it. A month later we started IVF it was such an intense process mentally, physically and emotionally draining. I remember thinking if this doesn't work I'm not going through this again it was pure hell on my body, all the emotions I was experiencing and I wondered how couples did cycle after cycle of IVF!

So back to that day five years ago, I got off work I got in my car and turned my phone on. I had one message. It was my doctor telling me he had some news and to call him back. I couldn't tell from his voice if it was good or bad. I knew if I waited to get home their office may be closed so I got out of my car and walked over to the gardens area of the chapel figuring I'd be crying whatever news I got so I looked around to make sure I was alone. I called back feeling anxious and a little nauseated. I reached him right away he said "Lachelle congratulations you are pregnant" I didn't believe him I said really?! Yes he said then went into something about my HCG levels and coming in for an ultrasound. I thanked him through my tears and hung up. It was such a surreal moment I couldn't believe it had finally happened. I was crying tears of joy and relief as I drove home to tell Ty the news. It was one of the best moments of my life! I had nothing planned of course because I thought that would jinx it. So I ended up wrapping up a Stanford baby onesie Ty brought home from his mission. When he opened it I said you're going to be a Daddy. He was pretty shocked too. Little did either of us know that in about 2 1/2 weeks we'd get another very big surprise we were expecting TWINS!!!

It's been a day of reflection for me, a little over 9 months ago we underwent a second cycle of IVF to transfer a frozen embryo the success rates were even higher for frozen then fresh embryos and we didn't doubt this time that it would work again.  If everything would have worked out I would be holding a perfect newborn right this minute, Troy and Weston would be big brothers and I'd feel our family was complete.  Unfortunately the embryo which was also our very last one didn't make it I was not confirmed pregnant, the doctor said it was probably a chromosomal abnormality in the embryo that caused it not to attach. It's been hard to understand but I've tried to trust in the Lord and focus on the two beautiful boys I have been blessed with. I can't deny the feeling that there is still another child that needs to come to our family. I hope in time we know more how to get that child here both financially and whatever the process requires. I hope we'll be able to have the kind of faith and humility to have one more miracle but if not I will be forever grateful for the two miracles I have and that I get to be a part of their little lives everyday.